I was ashamed.
I wanted to be seen, not stared at. But as soon as I landed in Bangkok it didn’t stop.
In Asia, there is a long list of things you can do that are taboo. It’s rude to put your feet on A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G, so it’s common for a backpacker to cause offense by shifting their bag on the floor by way of the forbidden foot. Do anything besides walking with your feet, even pointing them at people is seen as sinister or offensive. Also, to touch someone’s head is a big no-no and in Thailand specifically, if you leave out the words “Ka” or “Krupp” at the end of any word or sentence you’re seen as impolite. This, I could quickly get used to but staring as an accepted custom, was tough.
I felt completely out of place, and at times, a freak.
I even had one guy say to me mockingly “what happened? You a near miss from Hiroshima?” insinuating I looked like the after-effects of an atomic bomb. He laughed and then repeated this to his Japanese girlfriend (to her credit, she wasn’t impressed). Though looking back, his insensitivity was so absurd it’s almost funny.
After a week of unwanted attention, I felt dehumanised and ashamed. So uncomfortable in my skin (both literally and figuratively) I hopped from Bangkok to Chiang Mai to Pai within 6 days.
Pai seemed like this wondrous hippy escape, packed full of tourists, bamboo huts, banana trees, green mountains, fresh waterfalls and happy cows roaming the open fields.
Though unknowingly something had changed. With each person I’d meet I felt less like me because I began to compromise what I’d normally say, do, or consume.
I was spending all my energy trying to fit in, doing what everyone else was doing, I forgot why I came here in the first place.
Which lead me to my breaking point – my encounter with the cute tanned, blonde guy who unintentionally sent me off in tears (see story here). But that night through the tears I had an ‘aha’ moment, and I made a significant mental shift.
Not being me was what made me so sensitive and sent me down validation seeking, shame spiral.
Kado – a stoic philosopher revered by Seneca to be the ‘perfect stoic’ used to wear an odd coloured tunic deliberately to attract ridicule from others. Why? To learn only to be ashamed of things worth being ashamed of.
He learned only to be affected by the issues that matter most rather than superficial appearances. And I feel to a similar degree that’s what my skin is teaching me.
I may not wear odd coloured clothes, but I do wear an odd coloured face. I may not choose to wear it like Kado, but I do choose how I feel about it, and I choose to feel shameless.
I believe we don’t always choose what happens to us, but our attitude does determine whether what happens is for us or against us.
What I look like to a large degree, doesn’t matter, what matters is how I show up and what I do. Attitude and deliberate practice is everything.
Simply, here’s how I shifted from being shameless to focusing on what actually matters and how you can too…
1. Clarify what you want with a quality question
Lying in my moonlit, bamboo hut on a tear-soaked pillow I knew immediately I’d forgotten what I wanted and why I went on this trip in the first place. I was so caught up in everyone else’s agendas, I’d forgotten my own.
To find the answer I asked “what do I want from this trip?” and “what would make this trip successful?” I let the answers come and wrote them down. Since then I’ve felt freer, I know why I’m here and what I want, so I’m no longer afraid to listen to what I need.
Because if you don’t look after yourself, who will? No one knows what you need better than you do.
For instance, I’m a girl who needs “me time” and the past week and a half I’ve been with many different groups NON-STOP. Last Friday after a long day trip to multiple waterfalls and hidden temples, I was in the shower winding down and decided, all I want to do was eat alone, write and go to bed. However, when I stepped down the stairs a bunch of people invited me to the night market for food. The old me mindset said “yeah, sure!” A subconscious attempt to capitalise on an opportunity to fit in and have fun.
Though this time, halfway down the street I caught myself, I stopped mid-conversation and said “you know what guys, I’m tired. I’m gonna get some food close by and go to bed.” And you know what, it felt fucking phenomenal!
I went to this beautiful, little place 5 minutes from the hostel. I ordered a massive bowl of fresh, tropical mango with yoghurt and wrote in my journal – it was bliss! The host came up afterwards and said empathetically with pity in her eyes,“oh you eat alone tonight, friends all gone. That is travel, so sad”.
But her interpretation couldn’t have been further from what I felt. Clarifying what I wanted gave me a great sense of esteem and certainty, I didn’t even need to explain, “yes, but at least I got to eat this delicious food” I said with a beaming smile.
Quite a different outcome from the sad night with that cute guy in Pai.
I wrote a lot of specifics in my journal that same night, but what it all came down to was my need for independence. Being cooped up at home, sick and really red for a year or more made me CRAVE independence. That’s why I’m travelling, I want to feel completely free and totally self-reliant. Though at the time, I didn’t even know why I felt so damn good to be alone. Now I know it’s because what I wrote down a week ago is clearly becoming true.
Clarify what you want and ask the question because it pays off in ways you wouldn’t even expect.
2. Put yourself back in the arena that caused the shame in the first place – ASAP!
One of the reasons my short-lived negative memory didn’t grow into a crippling long-lived experience was because I went straight back to the place where I got shut down and felt ashamed. I started talking to different strangers and ended up having an awesome Saturday night, full of reggae music, drinking games, light-talk, deep-talk, laughs, fire shows, and glow-in-the-dark paint.
In my experience, fear only has power in your head. When you act on it, it disappears quicker than any other way.
3. Be unapologetically you
I mentioned earlier there were drinking games, but I don’t drink. It’s highly inflammatory and my health is so important to me. For one night, or compromising that in fear of being judged by a bunch of people I’ve just met just didn’t seem worth it, and it wasn’t.
I kept to water and played the game regardless, and no one cared. It even became a point of interest for some, and lead to some cool conversations I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Ironically, when I bounced back to being unapologetically me, I found my fit.
Because even if people don’t understand or agree with your standards, they can’t help but respect it when you stick to them.
xx Jess
PS. I still get the stares, but for the most part, people see me. The best bit though is it no longer fazes me, so if you feel so inclined give these steps a go.