I feel shame, do you?
Do you feel shame about your skin, the way you eat, or the way you look?
It’s a shame.
It’s a shame because it’s painful, it’s painful because it feels permanent, and it feels permanent because shame is the act of attributing the bad parts of ourselves to who we are, versus what we do.
Objectively, we know what we look like is not who we are. But it’s difficult to differentiate between what we see reflected to us in the mirror, and how we see ourselves. They are so intertwined – our reflection is what we see, and in turn how we see ourselves. That’s why I think skin conditions are particularly painful, and such a strong stimulus for shame.
Whether we think we are ugly, unattractive or imperfect, it’s painful.
Who we are feels fixed, something we cannot change, and thus something we can’t control.
So a common resolve is we give up control.
I did.
For instance, we can give up control of our health by putting it in the hands of others, by taking “no” for an answer, or by using our pain to feel sorry for ourselves, because we don’t have all the answers. Or worse, using our imperfections and pain as reason to put our lives on pause.
And it’s not just health. This can apply to all areas of life.
We give up control and diffuse responsibility on the outside, because deep down we blame ourselves too deeply and completely on the inside. Therefore, the only way to cope and counterbalance this pain is to deflect it, and or project it on others or the unknown.
That’s why we do it. We feel we deserve it, but we don’t.
Then there is the next phase, when we try to suppress the pain caused by our shame. After we give up control, we seek pleasure to compensate – with food, sex, drugs, social media, Netflix binges and booze, to name a few. Whatever it takes to give us our favourite dose of dopamine, we’ll do it, repeatedly.
To give up, is the usual next step, but don’t. Especially as far as our health is concerned – don’t do it. I almost did, and I’m glad I didn’t because there is an alternative.
There’s an alternative way to use shame as a catalyst for change.
Because as real as our pain and conditions may be, I believe our state of mind and our choices determine whether shame makes us better or worse – gets us what we want, or exacerbates what we don’t – and how we use it to our advantage, is what I want to emphasise, elaborate on and share with you in this post.
How can you use shame to your advantage and turn it into a superpower? So to speak.
Shine a light on shame.
Shame has the power when we hide it. When we keep our thoughts, our shame in our heads, it becomes an entity in and of itself – a secret entity we must hide inside ourselves.
When shame knocks on our door and we welcome her into our house, we have to hide her. In fear she might escape and expose us for ‘who we really are”. To keep her quiet, we suppress her with food – “don’t move or make a sound… Here! Have a doughnut.” The problem is, as we hide her, and bribe her with food and goodness knows what else, she grows bigger and gets louder. Then, increasingly frustrated from the confinement, she starts to act out. Kept against her will, and ignored in the dark, she becomes a beast who wreaks havoc in our home. As time goes on, the symptoms of suppression surmount, and the hoarded destruction becomes too hefty to ignore, and harder to clean up.
It’s not until we shine a light on shame, that we can show her the door. And let that mofo go.
When my shame showed up on my face I literally, not metaphorically hid her in my home. This did a lot of damage to my self perception and confidence and has taken a good year to completely overcome. To do this, I shined a light on shame. First, by showing her (my face), to my closest friends and family. Then, by travelling the world, confronting strangers and cultural norms. And now here on this blog.
Therefore, if you show shame the door, is it done? No. The destruction is still remains, and now it’s time to repair.
Shame – a catalyst for change
When does shame become a catalyst for change? Often, when it becomes so painful we can’t ignore it.
Shame is pain – the perfect catalyst for change. Because it’s our innate change agent. Without it, we’d become sloths – the worst versions of ourselves, and for what? For some temporary comfort at the expense of our long-term securities.
It doesn’t have to become so painful we can’t ignore it. When shame comes to us, it warns us with a pin prick. And with that warning – without the wait – we can immediately get off our arses and get back in the game.
When we shine a light on shame we acknowledge it, that’s the first step. Now we want to define your starting point so we can improve it.
In other words, what’s the problem you want to solve? And where are you at with it now?
To have impact it needs to be visual, or measurable. Write it down or make a visual – that’s your starting point.
Mine, was very visual…
This is not my skin at it’s worst. Though, these pictures alone show progress. The left – taken in March of this year, and the right, is me a month ago. These kinds of visuals work as a quick reference and motivator when we inevitably hit a plateau or backtrack from where we want to go.
Every time I see this, my eyes fill up and my heart flutters. I don’t feel sorry, and I don’t feel sad – I feel fucking phenomenal! And when I want to give in to immediate gratification, it reminds me that the long-game is worth the abstinence.
Being able to accurately look back because you’ve recorded where you’ve been is invaluable.
Though admittedly, it wouldn’t have been as rewarding if it was an easy road to get there. And I’m not sure I would have achieved what I had, if I hadn’t shone a light on my shame and used it to fuel me forward.
Obviously, that’s not the whole story. We need to know how to improve, what we want to improve, and run with it! Individually it’s different, for me, the steps to getting better were achieved with research, expert help and peer support. Plus, some key characteristics picked up along the way!
Sure, nothing happens overnight, and the process of improvement is hard, it’s painful. But when we use these tools to shift our mindset and to forge us forward, the pain becomes worth it.
Because pain is not the problem. Pain will always be part of our lives. It’s the avoidance of pain that tears our lives apart. As the buddha says “life is suffering” – it’s all pain. To suppress shame, to expose it, and to forge forward, is all painful. So if we have to feel it, we may as well choose the pain that leads us to progress. After all, it is pain, i.e., “the hardest parts” of the process, that when overcome, give our rewards their meaning. It’s what makes it all worthwhile.
For instance, the above picture wouldn’t mean so much to me if this problem could have solved in an instant. It was painfully hard. Solving a difficult problem or making progress on a perplexing problem is the most gratifying and confidence building process we could ever experience. In my opinion, solving problems it what we do. It’s what we’re built to do.
According to Mark Mason, “the only difference between a problem being painful or being powerful is a sense that we chose it, and that we are responsible for it.” And I agree. I think shame is only destructive when we ignore it and take no responsibility for it.
Instead, I propose we opt to use shame to solve our deepest problems. When we choose to use it and take responsibility for it, it becomes fuel and a powerful tool for change.
Then, to our advantage we can create whatever we want. And this becomes our superpower.
xx Jess