I am quite sensitive to unsolicited advice and here’s why…
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare and severe skin condition which occurred from complex systemic issues within my body. All of which were deemed incurable, but through hard work, dedication and determination I’m proud to say, I’m now well on my way to reversing all of it (both visible and invisible)!
And although the conditions themselves were incredibly challenging, some of the hardest aspects I experienced were external — other people’s reactions to my looks, their judgements, and unsolicited advice.
“Just go vegan.”
“This cream will clear it up in three days…”
“Did you know that your microbiome affects your skin? Just take probiotics.”
Of course, at first, I was desperate. I tried all the advice thrown my way and listened to anything ANYONE had to say. Some of it was harmless — didn’t help, didn’t harm. But some of it made me worse, much worse. With one piece of advice literally setting me back years!
Now understandably, I’m careful and wary of unsolicited advice from amateurs trying to exert expertise.
But also, in experiencing setbacks and extreme diagnoses, I had to come to terms with the fact that neither my appearance nor my conditions were going to disappear overnight. I needed to accept myself if I was going to improve long-term, and if I was going to not only live my life but love it again. And to do this successfully I couldn’t be treated as though I needed to be “fixed”, and I desperately wanted to be treated normally.
But the strangers wouldn’t stop.
It was exhausting, and debilitating to have numerous strangers on the street, multiple times a day not stop to say hello, nor acknowledge me as a person, but to launch straight into random ways I should “fix” my face.
In one particularly memorable incident, I was at a small-scale, but very busy organic supermarket, in the express lane, standing behind an older man with his 40-year-old son. The old man looked back, and I noticed him notice me immediately. I looked down at the ground as I could feel his unwanted attention towards me. Then after his triple-take (at my face), he turned fully towards me and asked if he could say something. I felt it was about my face, and declined, but he continued despite my wishes, and with everyone standing there staring at us!
In short, he overstepped my boundary by giving me unsolicited advice I explicitly didn’t want. And as a result, I felt humiliated, ashamed, and violated.
In the end, I left fighting back the tears…
An exercise in empathy
Of course, it’s easy for me to be angry with this man, and the many others who reduce me to my differences, or assume I should want to be fixed or must be unhappy with the way I am.
When the truth is, the acceptance of the way I am (“flaws” and all), has been the biggest driving force for my happiness and improved health. Because it’s what got me looking at the long-term game — to stop listening to unsolicited/uneducated advice out of fear and desperation — and start listening to my intuition and the experts.
I see unsolicited advice as cruelty disguised as empathy, selfishness disguised as selflessness, and this used to make me mad.
But he is, you are, and I am mostly blind to what drives us. We may rationalise our behaviour with “I’m just concerned” or “I’m only trying to help”, or whatever else. But in truth, we are completely irrational — driven by emotions and needs we are largely unaware of.
And as far as my experiences go, the only way to free myself or others from our own irrationality, pain or upset, is through empathy.
Now, empathy doesn’t make the behaviour ‘okay’, but it does help to understand, and through understanding we create change.
So now, as hard as it is, I’m going to retell this story from the perspective of the stranger who gave me the unsolicited advice. To empathise and free myself from whatever pain remains…
Standing in line, almost at the counter, the old man looks back and sees a young woman with a flaming red face.
‘Woah! Wait, don’t stare’, he thought, turning back around.
‘That poor girl…’
He discretely turned his head back again, ‘aw, it looks so red and PAINFUL! I should say something! She probably doesn’t realise what’s she’s doing is hurting her.’
He turned back to the front of the line, ‘if only she knew! But it’s so awkward and my son mightn’t want me to.’
He looked back at her again. ‘But what if I could help her? She is so young, and clearly suffering! Who would want to have skin like that?’
It was decided.
He turned to face her and took one step closer. “Excuse me, can I say something?” he asked her.
She looked up from the ground and back at him sheepishly, “I’d rather you not…”
He turned away thinking, ‘Okay, but she doesn’t know what you’re going to say. She doesn’t understand that what you know could help her and of course, she wants to be helped! And definitely needs it – just look at her!”
So he faced her again and began giving her advice he thought she needed – the advice he thought she would want — but instead, she got defensive, angry and upset.
“Well, have you seen a Chinese Medicine Doctor?” He asked still hopeful he’d help.
“Yes, and I continued to get much worse,” she replied with snide undertones. Then looking away trying to disengage.
But he continued to question her hoping to get her on board.
“Well, who is he? I want to know who this practitioner is!” he demanded. Clearly losing control of himself, and the point he wanted to convey.
He gathered his thoughts, ‘she just needs to see my guy, he’s amazing and has helped so many people!’
By this stage he was so committed to helping her, he wasn’t going to stop. Because in his mind, he knew he could help her!!
But as the line moved forward and he continued to push his point, his son got increasingly uncomfortable and asked his father to come with him to the counter, but he shrugged him off and stayed. By this stage, everyone was staring and could sense the girl’s discomfort.
Except for the old man himself.
Even as she came next in line, he stood there blocking her way to the checkout counter. It got to the point where his son had to come back from buying the groceries to pull him out of her way.
The old man gave a dismissing gesture to his son. ‘Alright, alright, I’m coming, but let me at least leave her with this….’ he thought, completely unaware of his self-imposed humiliation. His final words, as he was dragged out the door were, “just stay away from hot spices, mangos and peppers!”
And, despite his son’s vehement disapproval, he left feeling proud, relieved even! Because if nothing else, he’d left the poor girl with something tangible she could do to ease her suffering.
‘So who cares what anyone else thinks’, he thought, ‘I was the only one man enough to help her!’
FAQs on this exercise in empathy…
‘I’m wondering if it was hard to get into his head? Could you have gone deeper?’
I thought it would be really hard, but when I started looking from his point of view — putting myself in his shoes, looking through his eyes and back at myself, his thoughts just came to me. Because, as upset as I was, I believe everyone is inherently good. So with that in mind, and the curiosity to play his role, it became easy.
‘The only thing that jumped out for me was “the ONLY one man enough to help her!” I totally get the sentiment and think you’re probably spot on, but do you think that was the main motivating force for him?’
No, I don’t believe it was his main motivating force, but he believes it is — it’s his conscious rationale, not his subconscious motivating force. What he thought was motivating him and what was actually motivating him were two different things — like for most of us!
When I analyse him on a deeper level, I’d say he’s likely had health issues of his own that someone helped to solve (likely his Chinese Med Doctor), which is why he has some knowledge, without being an expert.
His imperfect physicality drove his need to fix himself, and the fear of losing control of his life, which is now projected onto me…
He feels he’s ‘fixed’ his body, but deep down knows he hasn’t ‘fixed’ himself. So I believe seeing my outer imperfections trigger his inner fears, and he loses control. Then of course, because he can’t control these issues in his own life, he only finds relief (aka feels safe) when exerting influence onto and control over others’.In other words, his compulsive need to ‘fix’ me is fuelled by his unconscious need to fix himself.
‘Did you feel a little better when you thought of the incident after writing this? Were you a little kinder to the man in your head?’
I was always aware of his unconscious, “selfish” motivation to fulfil his need to be important and in control. But before this exercise, I didn’t empathise with it, it only angered me more because I was so wrapped up in my own emotions, and how that made me feel! And yes, I see the irony… 😉
In answer to that question, writing that did make me feel different. It made me feel his humanity. I could suddenly see the lack of respect and authority he had with his son. Adding to that, his lack of awareness of himself, his surroundings, others’ feelings, and most of all the lack of control he had over himself. After that, I felt the deeper pain driving his compulsion to exert his will over me, which made his inner narrative come quite easily.
‘How has it changed you? At the end, where did you arrive in yourself?, What’s your take away? What’s the sunk cost you have to accept for all the years you’ve taken this on? How has your identity created who you are as a result of all of this? ‘
I feel lighter now, and better able to set boundaries and assert myself in an empathetic, yet protective way. Whereas, at the time I thought if I tried to defend myself, I’d explode….
So it’s clear to me now, I wasn’t valuing myself as much as I thought I was…
As for my identity, it is definitely tied to my issues and skin condition in some way, but less so. Now I’m more conscious and deliberate about the ways my identity is tied to who I am, rather than what I look like and what my body can do. I am first and foremost someone who cares (a lot), sees people well and seeks to understand, is driven, curious, and an advocate for others.
Now I’d love to hear from you! Leave a comment below and let me know…
- what do you think about unsolicited advice?
- how do you see yourself? And what role do you think others play in shaping that?
- and do you think empathy is important? If so, or if not, why?
xx Jess