Why me?
It’s not fair.
You’re lucky!
Are all preambles that scream self-pity.
Sound familiar? They should. We all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. The only difference is some snap out of it quicker than others. It happens, but because it doesn’t serve us to stay there, let’s talk about how not to get stuck there.
In this post, we examine self-pity and stories to help us overcome our excuses.
The nature of self-pity. And why it’s not helpful.
Self-pity — feeling sorry for ourselves.
I remember at one of my lowest points — where my face was swollen like a beach ball, red all over, bumpy, fleshy and painful. And I was unable to eat — kneeling on the floor of my room internally screaming — “WHY ME?”
I felt so sorry for myself, and it sucked.
Whether you think it’s justifiably dramatic, or not, self-pity still sucks and it doesn’t serve you. Besides, as your situation improves, your “self-pity bar” –the standard to which you’ll feel sorry for yourself– shifts.
Like recently after fasting, I found my skin almost completely clear. Until I decided to eat out. A salad no less! The dressing, I concluded, must’ve had sugar in it. Because the next day I woke up with breakouts all over my forehead and some swelling. I was pissed! I thought, “all that hard work and for what? A salad slip?!” Even though this was significantly better than the aforementioned scenario, I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself again. Thinking, “why me? It’s not fair! Others get to eat whatever they want and I’m suffering over a salad!”
To put this into perspective, in the first scenario I couldn’t eat at all. My face and health were a complete mess, and I was unrecognisable to my friends and family. In the second scenario, I was eons ahead. Able to eat quite well (whilst being super careful), my face was recognisable, mostly clear, and my health improving.
So whether we think it’s justifiable or not, self-pity sucks, and it doesn’t serve us. Besides, as our situation improves, the “self-pity bar” shifts. As our world changes and new challenges arrive, we can still feel sorry for ourselves, but for much less.
Self-pity — playing the victim.
We give up our power when we feel sorry for ourselves. When we think “why me? It’s not fair” we live in the past and makes it impossible to move forward into the future.
When we are victims of our history, we fixate on what happened to us. When we’re masters of our destiny, we focus on making what happened for us.
I’ll explain what I mean by this.
For a long time, I was fixated on my past — getting sick, being prescribed antibiotics, developing a skin condition, and distressed that everywhere I turned to for help kept making it worse. Then my role in that — subordinating to authority, playing into the fear, and ignoring my intuition.
Living there, in the past, kept me stuck and really robbed me of my happiness.
Then, in a desperate attempt to find… ANY answer, I counterintuitively started to look for how my “shitty” situation helped me.
Here’s some of the surprising list:
It…
- Ensured I wouldn’t go back to bad relationships
- Allowed me complete control over who I’d see and who saw me
- Gave me time to build my business
- Gave me time to hone my craft
- Left no men to distract me
- Helped me develop a keener intuition
- Forced me to put me first
- Enabled me to foster real and meaningful relationships
Once I’d realised it wasn’t all bad, I was able to go one step further. To make my situation meaningful by creating something worthwhile.
I had a burst of inspiration to create ‘in the Ra’ — a place to help women love the skin they’re in and heal themselves with whole foods.
So how do you find your something worthwhile, your version of ‘in the Ra’?
Obviously, the way you make your situation meaningful will differ, but I’d suggest it meet the same criteria.
For me to create something worthwhile and meaningful I satisfied these three criteria:
- It was something that inspired me and terrified me at the same time.
- It was being vulnerable and using skills, knowledge, and experiences to help others.
- It was having the courage to be seen despite deep insecurities.
I believe, the above criteria are not only necessary to stop self-pity but essential for our health and happiness. Because of one simple truth —
When we’re spending more time helping others and becoming better, it’s harder to find the time, let alone the feeling to feel sorry for ourselves.
Self-pity — making excuses.
Making excuses for our situation and ourselves is a warning sign of self-pity.
“I’ve tried everything.”
A familiar cry from the near defeated. It’s an excuse not to try again, to give up. It’s destructive, scary, renders us powerless, and I’m calling bullshit on it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve said it, I’ve believed it, and I was told it – “I’d never get better”. Luckily I snapped out of it, I couldn’t accept it for long because I couldn’t live with it.
“Besides”, I told myself “people come up with new solutions all the time.” This, coupled with the access we have to new information and experts, if you care enough about the problem, you’ll find a solution.
I’ll admit this is easier said than done, but if I can do it, and you want to, try.
Excuses also take the form of assigning blame.
“It was their fault!”
A fiery flame that’s rooted in frustration, anger, and results in a refusal of responsibility.
But to refuse responsibility does not deny blame. And accepting responsibility does not admit blame (more on this later).
Excuses call for unhelpful comparisons.
“You’re lucky.”
I’ve thought this about people who don’t have skin conditions, then heard the opposite from gut suffers with no skin conditions — “you’re lucky it shows on your face. Because people would believe you when you say you have allergies, it’s not just in your head.”
Although I doubt anyone would trade me for my combination of allergies and skin conditions, it shows self pity can happen from every perspective. And the grass is always greener!
Others say their situation, “it’s unfair.”
“It’s unfair it shows up on my face. When others eat what they want with no visible reaction.”
Either way, they’re excuses and they hold us back.
I get it. I’ve felt frustrated and felt others are lucky or it’s unfair. But when I do, the way I like to think of it is…
If I didn’t have this reaction on the outside, I wouldn’t have the motivation or inspiration to do what it takes to change it. Some people wake up with a perforated gut, or an autoimmune disease without obvious signs prior, and others can drop dead without warning. Not to be morbid, but be thankful you have a signal, a sign or a symptom.
It’s not always easy to be thankful, but when I look at it this way, it get’s easier.
The reason for self-pity.
Self-pity stems from avoiding responsibility in order to pass blame.
Self-pity is self-preservation at its worst, because it harms everyone around it except itself.
At least in the short-term…
In the short term, self-pity allows us to defer responsibility in an attempt to avoid blame. With this, we avoid the deepest levels of pain. But our refusal to accept responsibility — by feeling sorry for ourselves, playing the victim, and making excuses for ourselves — while it may initially enlist support, it eventually pushes people away or ends up ruining the relationships that stay.
Then in the long-term self-pity leaves us with two options — remain miserable, or take responsibility.
But just because we’re not to blame for our past, doesn’t mean we can’t take responsibility for our future.
Blame vs. responsibility.
You may not have picked your situation. You may not have looked through the album of life and gone, “yep, that’s the situation I want.” Not every situation is frame-worthy or your fault.
Don’t blame yourself.
But take responsibility, because responsibility is not blame.
Take the example from the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”, where Mark Mason describes a hypothetical scenario where someone drops a baby on your doorstep. In this strange and unlikely situation, you didn’t ask for the baby, and you have no relation to the baby. You’re not to blame for this. You’re not to blame for this unknown baby being dropped on your doorstep, but you are responsible for it.
Same goes for your current life situation. You may not have asked for it, you may not have wanted it, but you’re now responsible it — for what you do about it and how you feel about it now.
Responsibility isn’t about blame. Blame is about fault finding and what happened in the past. While responsibility is about deciding to take charge of your future and making today worthwhile.
I spent way too much time blaming doctors and health practitioners and dwelling on the past. When I heard their prognosis, it was a good excuse to give up. And although I decided to accept it (my situation), I didn’t settle for it. I took responsibility and I’m better for it — I proved them wrong.
One of my favourite quotes by Socrates encapsulates this perfectly:
The Secret of Change Is to Focus All of Your Energy, Not on Fighting the Old, But on Building the New.
By taking responsibility you take back control. You have the power, in large part, to pick and choose what you want by repairing or reversing what you don’t.
Taking responsibility, instead of indulging in self-pity puts the power back in your hands by squashing the excuses that could have held you back.
Now think about where you’re making excuses and indulging in self-pity and let me know in the comments below:
Where do you want to take more responsibility and get your power back? Commit to yourself in the comments.
xx Jess