Give.
More.
Compliments.
Sounds simple, right? Yet we don’t really do it.
Or, we don’t do it enough.
Or maybe, we don’t do it well and wonder why there’s a disconnect.
But if you do it often and do it well, like anything, you get good at it. And it creates a ripple effect. Like an epidemic of happy people and a lot less loneliness.
Plus, you’re likely to like yourself more, others will like themselves more, and they’ll (often) like you more. It’s a win-win-win. Which is rare, so A-HEM, read on.
But be warned, not all compliments are created equal…
Here are two types of compliments I call:
1. A Surface Level Compliment
A compliment that is impersonal, in-genuine or given with an agenda. It leaves a layer of doubt, disbelief, and insecurity in the recipient. Side effects may include, a bolstered ego and arrogance.
AND then there’s…
2. A Genuine Compliment
A compliment which creates confidence, joy, and self-assuredness because it’s felt by both parties. It’s always genuine, agenda-less and believable.
***
Disclaimer:
This ‘two-type model’ (I’ve just made up) assumes you are attempting to compliment someone. It leaves out those fake compliments intended to surprise-insult someone, such as being ironic or giving a backhanded compliment like, “you’ve got nice knuckles”…
***
Awful joke aside, if you’re keen to connect with more people, give out good vibes, and add more meaning to your life, genuine compliments are the way to go.
Though, there’s a bit of an art to it.
Art [being] the intentional act of using your humanity to create change in another person.”
— Seth Godin
Compliments change people, but only when believed. And the only way they’re believable is when they’re genuine compliments.
How to give genuine compliments:
Be specific
Because general compliments are easy to shrug off. They have less weight because they can be said to anyone, by anyone. It takes little effort. Plus, they’re easily interpreted as throwaway compliments — as just ‘trying to be nice’ or seen as a form of flattery.
Specific compliments do the opposite.
Specifics make them land.
For example:
Of course, if you did say to someone “you’re inspiring”, she’s unlikely to take it badly, but also unlikely to be changed by it. A general compliment is impersonal, easily interchangeable and unlikely to become a core belief.
Another example:
“I love how you bring out the best in people. You’re so people smart”, has more impact than, “you’re so smart”. Despite the fact, I don’t think the term “people smart” is something people say…
Genuine compliments are like an argument, to be convincing you need to give evidence to back up your claims. If you want someone to see themselves a different way, bring out some specifics. Give them context.
The only exception being…
If the specifics are already given in the context of the situation.
For example, if your friend Anne randomly busts out a Rubik’s cube at the bus stop and solves it in front of you. You wouldn’t go, “you’re so smart because you can solve Rubik’s cubes, Anne.” Because it’s unnecessary!
Here, “ you’re so smart” should suffice.
Connect it [the compliment] to the individual
When you compliment something someone has no control over, it’s a surface-level compliment because it’s not directly attributable to them.
But when you connect it to the individual, and not the object, it’s so much more impactful.
Like here:
“That jumpsuit looks great on you.” Versus, “I love that jumpsuit”.
The former is a surface level compliment because it’s indirect and therefore easy to brush off. You could be complimenting the clothing label, or simply making an observation about the object.
Alternatively, you could say “I love your sense of style, that jumpsuit is awesome!” With this wording, the compliment is tailor-made (pun intended), so the person receiving it take credit, and own it.
It becomes believable.
Say it without expectation
A compliment always means more when there’s no agenda behind it.
It means more when a gay guy says “you have an incredible smile” than when a guy trying to ask you out says the same thing. Because one has an agenda, and the other doesn’t. [Obviously, this example only works for women]
Of course, you may be flattered for a moment, but won’t necessarily believe it deep down. This type of compliment, a surface level compliment creates a false sense of security and is the definition of an ego boost!
To give without expectation is to give without fear. Because when you give without needing to get, there’s nothing to lose.
Expectation includes the intention to get people to like you…which always leads to anxiety.
When you try to get someone to like or approve of you, it’s an expectation. While the first example comes across sleazy, trying to please someone comes across needy. It backfires. A compliment won’t work when it’s not believable, and it never works when the person receiving it doesn’t respect the person giving it. :/
Expectation always ends in disappointment.
To deliver without expectation…
Give your complements casually, but not too casually.
Casually enough that it’s not needy, but not so casually that you don’t mean it.
The way to do this?
- Only give compliments you mean
- Give compliments that are specific, individual and without expectation
- And give them often
***
If you’ve read this far, you are curious and are keen to give more compliments. I like that about you. 😉 Now I’d really like to know what’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve gotten, and why?
Let me know in the comments below!
xx Jess